Corked Fungo: 2011

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

A REAL Man

I read recently that men are supposed to have certain roles as a father and husband. Here I thought men were supposed to be the 'cool' guy and be best buds with their kids and buy them everything they possibly want! I decided to figure out what roles a father and husband is supposed to have, so I did what any cool father would do -- I looked it up on Google. The first thing I came across was a website from Dr. Phil. I don't know much about Dr. Phil but he has his own television show, he has a texas accent, and he gets made fun of on Saturday Night Live all the time -- so he must be pretty good. According to Dr. Phil, "if men want to be successful in their marriage and family life, they have to change and broaden their definition of what it means to be successful as a man. Being a good provider, protector, leader and teacher is a privilege that comes with responsibilities that many men aren't aware of." I am TOTALLY aware of these things and definitely fulfill these responsibilities:

Provider: Most people would probably say that this means a man must provide for his family by going to work everyday. That seems way too obvious! My guess is that this ACTUALLY means that a dad provides good inappropriate jokes for his kids to repeat at extremely inappropriate times. CHECK!

Protector: Definitely do this. Whenever they are afraid of the dark. WHo do they turn to? Whenever they hear a bump in the night? WHo do they turn to? Whenever they fear the boogey man then who do they turn to? Whenever there is a spider in the house, who do they turn to kill it? Okay, so I got 3 out 4 and I believe that a majority counts in this category. CHECK!

Leader: I am not quite sure what Dr. Phil expects from this category, but of course I lead my kids. I read a book once that said you should RULE WITH AN IRON FIST, so that is my philosophy. So even if you see me behind my kids it usually means I am chasing them up the stairs about ready to spank their bottoms because they were not obeying their leader. How can I be an effective leader if no one listens to me? That is where spanking comes into play...CHECK!

Teacher: I totally rock this category. Who taught my kids how to pee outside or in a bottle while traveling in a car? Who taught my kids to fart to get a laugh? And if you go back to the PROVIDER category, you will see that I also taught my kids inappropriate jokes! Sure, maybe a long the way I taught them some math or how to play baseball or shoot a basketball -- but those skills only last for a little while. A good well placed fart can make anyone laugh! CHECK!

So, according to Dr. Phil I am a REAL MAN! And like I said, Dr. Phil has his own TV show so he must be completely credible. Plus, Oprah endorses him...okay, well maybe I should look for some other criteria to being a real man...