My Grandpa

I have deliberately not posted for quite some time – mainly, because I knew that my next post would need to be about Grandpa Baldwin. It has been just over a month since he passed away and I still think about him everyday. It has been difficult for me to fully understand and accept his passing, especially since three to four weeks before he passed I called him on the phone and we laughed and joked around like we always do. Then, at the services everyone said “He was in so much pain” or “He is in a better place.” I wasn’t around his pain, though I knew there was suffering, but in the many phone calls we had he discussed his medical issues but also talked about family, sports, and Oregon/Colorado. So, it has been difficult for me to understand that he is “in a better place” when to me a “better place” is here with me. I am not bitter, but just miss him like crazy and wish that I could call him up and talk to him like we always did. Right about now he would be making fun of the Denver “Nougats” (not Nuggets but the “Nougats” as he called them) or making fun of the Colorado Rookies (Not Rockies but “Rookies”). I am going to miss that.

I think I am still in denial about his passing. Since I am not in Idaho Falls and not around family, then it doesn’t seem like it really happened. Often I start to think about him being gone, and I just quickly think about something else or do the dishes to get it out of my mind. Yes, I should probably confront this head-on, but I am not quite sure how. I often steal away by myself and shed a few tears, and enjoy the memories that flood into my mind. And when I do start to cry, I can hear Grandpa saying “Ya’ big Boob!”, because I know that he does not want me to shed tears for him, but it is so hard not to. There has been a lot of peace come to me through this experience, and deep down I know that all is well and that he is feeling happiness and no pain. But can’t I be selfish and wish that he was still here with me? I know that he will be the first one to welcome each family member as we all make our way to join him, and there will be much joy! I know that he is going to be there helping each one of us along so that we can join him and be together forever as a family. I remember Brigham Young once stated something about our ancestors are doing so much on the other side of the veil to help us in this life, that we fully do not comprehend. I know that Grandpa will be heading up that rally for each one of his family members!

The funeral was beautiful. I loved listening to my mother and Uncles and Aunt discuss the life of Grandpa. I honestly could have listened to that all day long – I did not want it to end. Grandpa wanted all of the Grandchildren and Great Grandchildren to sing “I am a Child of God.” I was determined to make it through the song without shedding a tear, but then I would look down at Grandma and I could see the joy in her eyes of the family that her and Grandpa produced and the love that she had for all of us, along with the sadness…and then she blew a kiss in my direction and that made it difficult to get through the song. And each time we came to the part in the song that says “…to live with him someday,” I could not help but personalize it to mean that I would one day live with Grandpa again. I am sure to the outside ear, our song must have been pathetic because of the sadness and tears and the difficulty getting through the song – but to each one of us who sang, and to family members, it was one of the most beautiful songs ever.

I was glad to be able to spend a few, quiet, and special moments with my Grandma during this time. Though it was difficult because of all the people around, there were tender moments of love and comfort that she was able to offer to me, and maybe I was able to do the same to her. At the viewing, Grandma whispered some wonderful things in my ear that only she and I were able to hear, of course it just caused me to shed more tears. Another time she told me that she was so worried about me – here is my Grandma going through this ordeal and she is worried about me! That shows you how loving, thoughtful and giving my Grandma is, but here I am worried about her and she is thinking about me.

They say that Time heals all wounds, but I think that it is understanding not only of the Principles of the Gospel that heals the hurt, but also understanding why Grandpa needed to go when he did. While at this moment I do not have a full understanding of why, I look forward to going HOME to IF to visit with family, listen to stories and reminisce and I know that I will find the complete Peace that I am looking for.

For those family members that are reading this blog posting, I feel that I can finally come clean and let you know that when we held those weekly Croquet Sunday evening games in the summer…well, Grandpa and I cheated…just a little bit…but I don’t think it ever did us any good because neither of us ever won!!

I miss you Grandpa, but I know you know that.